Soma was very much sensitive as well as creative. She was an artist. She painted, in her mind, a portrait of small house filled with happiness. She was practicing yoga religiously. For me “all that is harsh and dissonant in my life melts into one sweet” dream.
But rainbow is a natural beauty which slowly but surely fades away. After 18 months of rigorous practice, we realized that her condition, in fact, was deterioted. Her frail body signaled her mind not to dream anymore. We realized that yoga was an endless effort in a shoreless sea of toil.
Clouds of despair heaped upon clouds of pain and failure and it darkens. I kept gazing on the far-away dimness of the sky as my rainbow of dreams faded away. I couldn’t accept the reality; my heart wandered sobbing with the restless wind and growing discontent about the fact I had to live a life without Soma.
My mom and Soma had a wonderful relation. It wasn’t like a typical in-laws relation, but it was blended with affection and mutual respect. When Soma couldn’t bear her pain anymore, she used ask my mom, not me, to softly fondle her hair. And night after night, my mom did it without any shilly-shallying.
As my mom realized her beloved daughter in law wouldn’t be able to lead a normal life, she was so intensely affected that she got a fatal cerebral stroke.
All of us changed a lot both psychologically and philosophically. Soma was changed to be badly influenced by even a minor chaos. Her passion for me, her life and her songs transformed into a mute restlessness. She found her solace only in chanting “AUM”, but I was left with writhing with pain, observing her muteness and my mom’s semi coma condition helplessly.
Before meeting the yoga master, we knew that Soma’s days were numbered. The yoga master taught us to dream. When that dream was shattered I noticed how a lively and smiling lady could be changed into a mere dull creature. I bet we wouldn’t be so severely shaken if we wouldn’t meet the yoga master and believed in his words.
During her last days Soma was psychologically completely broken down. And I was also affected very badly. I wasn’t in right frame of mind to provide her psychological support when she needed it the most. We were sinking in a turbulent ocean like a directionless small vessel. And ultimately we were lost. My mom died a day prior to the death of Soma, leaving me all alone to roam around the rough ocean of life with a poor psychological and physical condition.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
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